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Dear Diary – An update

An update so far. Well, its been a while, three weeks or so since my last post. It’s not like I haven’t got anything to write about, in fact, so much has happened I just haven’t had the time.

One thing I do know over the last three weeks is that my eyes are tired, my brain is in over drive and my heart is aching.

Here I am sat in a hotel room doing what is essentially part of my job. My Seaview room. Boats and water and more boats and weeds. I love my work, I also love the people, I do however, also like comfort and now things are changing I feel a bit vulnerable today especially. The comfort I feel I need most of the time makes me feel secure, it makes me feel safe and protected.

In light of that though, I have progressed somewhat with my own business venture and feeling empowered and all funded by me after years of saving up. I have paid my first invoice for my products that have been made and they are currently being embossed with my logo which is the final process in London. I will expect a delivery in the next two weeks. This doesn’t seem real if I’m honest. I don’t think it will hit me until I see everything finished and packaged up. It definitely hasn’t hit me yet, I’m actually so preoccupied that I haven’t had time to process it.

I have had contact from some amazing fashion and travel bloggers who want to work with me helping me launch my brand which has been really overwhelming. In fact, I am so looking forward to meeting everyone soon.

It’s actually my first whole month of going self employed. I can’t believe it either. I am slowly but surely becoming my own boss. Girl boss yaaaaay! I just can’t even process that either. I was so afraid of it before. I’m still trying to figure out how much I need to hold back to pay the tax man every month, eeeek its all very official and scary but I am sure I will be fine.

My skin is terrible, my hair desperately needs cutting, I haven’t had my nails done in three weeks and I actually feel and 100% look like a mess. I need to just take a breather and that’s what I intend to do this weekend, well Saturday as that’s the only day I have free. I have to sort myself out now because it very distracting. I need to work out but I can’t seem to fit it in. I honestly have a list as long as my arm of what I need to do.

I’m having a glass of red wine whilst typing this blog and I worry I will shed some tears whilst writing so I am taking small sips so it doesn’t get to that point. I think I’m happy. I could be happier, I could be on cloud nine but that seems like a long way to go and if I’m honest most days out of my reach. I just need to take small steps and not try and run with my emotions because then nothing gets cleared from my brain, I bypass how I really feel and then later on have to deal with it again.

I like peace and quiet, sometimes I like listening to the outside world, no TV, no music, no phone and just listen. If only I could switch off the million tasks in my head. Tonight, its just me. No TV, no music, phone but on silent so I don’t rush to it and just my thoughts which I’m trying to type as quickly as I can to get them on here. It’s not working. I think of one thing to type and then 10 other things come to my head.

What else has happened? I bought a car but hate the motorway so I’m screwed.

I also have been in my home town of Brighton a lot and you know what I think it’s helped me. I remember my childhood so much more now I have spent some time down there being a lot older than my last long stay. Its a beautiful place and it’s funny really because where I lived in Brighton, most will say it is not so nice but I can’t help but be proud of it no matter what people’s opinions are. It was my home and to be honest it wasn’t the best place growing up at all but it was my home, my mum and dad’s home.

I love it. I am proud to say I was born in brighton, I am a brightonian. It’s part of me. I get my humour from home, I get my character from home. I inherited the quirkiness from Brighton and I learnt to appreciate the simple things in life all from living in Brighton. Sound strange? Not to me.

What else? Well, I’m just trying to hold my head up as far as I can without looking like a snob, no, what I’m trying to say is I am keeping it together as best as I can with everything that is going on.

A heavy heart is hard and doesn’t seem to be getting any lighter, tired eyes I can try and fix with mascara and eye liner, brain working in over drive…maybe the haircut will help? Who knows. I am coping in my own special and stupid way but I can do it again and get through.

I’m going to keep this brief as I do genuinely need some sleep but I’m doing ok, I think. I may be absent from social media but its all going to pick right back up again once I have found my feet and worked out what path I want to take next. I am going to have to choose a path soon though because the crossroads is getting a bit boring now.

Keep smiling, keep shining, be you and I’ll be me.

With love

Mel x

From my hotel room…

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