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Dear Diary – Today self doubt hit me hard

Self doubt got right on my nerves today.

I felt a rush of self doubt the second I opened my eyes today. In fact, so much crossed my mind in minutes that I couldn’t seem to block it all. I wanted to talk to someone at that point but I wouldn’t have been able to get the words out. So, I cried instead.

Right now, I have so much to organise and so much to think about that this overwhelming feeling made me panic the whole morning.

I was continuing on with all the things I could bring myself to do and then one call with a rather rude woman on the phone, that was it, I had another mini melt down. If she had caught me on a good day she would have had some sarcasm sent right her way but, I couldn’t even bring myself to bite back. I literally sobbed for a while once I put the phone down.

Self doubt really does hold you back even if you know deep down you can do anything you put your mind to.

Self doubt this morning was telling me I’m not good enough and I don’t deserve to be happy and fulfil my goals.

How do you get over these types of feelings? Why am I feeling like this when the day before I was actually in a really good place in my head? I asked myself.

The situation is, everything that I am trying to juggle is all amazing stuff. I just couldn’t understand why I was doubting my ability and feeling so many different emotions when actually everything that is happening in my life is really positive. That was the most frustrating part of this morning.

My goals are set and I have lots of things to work towards but to reach my goals the leg work in between is not easy. In order for me to get there I will be working on things I’ve never done before.

I mean, I called an accountant today. I honestly don’t know why but they scare me. I never in all my life thought little me would be calling to request services from an accountancy agency. May seems silly to some but this is huge deal to me.

You may have read in my previous post, If I fail, I fail.

If I fail, I just need to see it as a setback and it’s not who I am, it will not define me as a person. I don’t want to fail though that’s for sure.

Self doubt got under my skin and got me worked up. Fighting it was so hard. It’s not the be all and end all, the success/failure of my business venture but If I accomplish this one dream then I know I can do anything.

I spoke to my brother, he’s smarter than I’ll ever be and is very savvy so I turned to him. He helped me put my thoughts in order and prioritised them.

To have this wave of self doubt I know is normal, everyone feels like this at some point. I can usually pick myself up and brush these thoughts off quite quickly. This morning was different which was odd.

I know the truth and what I was really telling myself this morning was a load of rubbish.

What I know now after taking some time to put things in order is I need to lighten up a little and not be so hard on myself. I also know now to move on from this morning and stop beating myself up about it.

Baby steps. I’m still learning. I am learning every day and I know I will make many mistakes along the way but I just need to prepare myself and how I will handle those mistakes.

I am an incredibly confident person. I don’t claim to know everything but I do know that I want to learn as much as I can. I want to be the best I can be.

I cannot let self doubt hold me back like it did this morning because what a bloody waste of time that was. A good four/five hours wasted with a battle I knew deep down I had already won yet continued to waste energy to fight.

So, Dear Diary, Self doubt is horrible, I have no doubt about that. I believe in myself, I can and I will do what I want to do and feel how I want to feel when self doubt challenges me again! I will keep going, I am brave and in time I will learn to realise I am good enough to do anything I put my mind to.

This afternoon I have pulled up the anchor and I am now sailing my ship again. Goodbye self doubt. Next time our catch up will be short and sweet I’m far too busy for your rubbish.

With Love Mel x

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